Finally.....

...the news we've been waiting for!!!! The results of the CT scan are in...no signs of lymphadenopathy, for us non-medical individuals, that means no disease of the lymph nodes!!!! I remember reading the report of my very first neck CT scan looking at the first lump I found in January. I saw "extensive lymphadenopathy" and quickly googled it...when I saw it refer to lymphomas, I brushed it off. I didn't think there was any possibility that I had cancer. I still had hope that there was an easy explanation...one that didn't involve cancer treatment.

However, this time around, when I read the words "possible lymphadenopathy" on the PET scan report, there was NO way I could brush it off and stay grounded in the fact that it said "possible". I knew too much. The last thing anyone just finishing cancer treatment wants to hear is that there's possibly more cancer. It felt as though my heart fell to the ground and my stomach turned inside out. I was beyond devestated.

I looked into the back seat and saw my sweet, sweet little boy. More than anything, I didn't want him to have to go through any of this again. I am amazed at the strength and resiliency he has, but the last nine months have taken it's toll on him. It has been so great to see the sparkle in his eyes come back! He has also started breastfeeding again....that was his sign of mommy getting better. In fact, when I came home and told him that I was done with chemo, he reached out both of his hands, touched my breasts, smiled ear-to-ear, and said, "now I can have my boobies again!" I didn't know how I was going to tell him that we had to wean again. (For those of you wondering, I don't really have any milk left after not bfing for 6 months, but he doesn't care...he tells me they're a "little bit dry" and goes back to nursing.)

Most of all, I was really afraid of dying, and ultimately leaving Marek. Being someone that lost one of her parents as a child, this broke my heart into a million pieces. I didn't want Marek to grow up without his mommy. I realized there was a certain level of security in Hodgkin's (thanks to modern medicine, not many people actually die from the disease)...unfortunately, that doesn't exist in cancers of the pelvic region. I know that may seem like an extreme place to go but, as a mother, every cell in my body is programed to protect my baby (or preschooler!).

Needless to say, it was a really long weekend. We were really sad!!! Thank you so much for all of your support...your prayers, healing vibes, generosity, and sincere concern have carried us through these six hellish days. We really appreciate everyone holding the space for us. In the last nine months, I have felt a grace that I didn't know existed. I have always been a big believer in the energetic nature of the universe....to feel the power of prayer and intention put forth by so many people is nothing short of magical. It has allowed my heart to grow in ways I'm not sure would have happened otherwise. I am a better person for it.

So...what's next? Well, the masses in my pelvis are fairly large, so I will still be transfered to the gyn-oncologist. I learned from someone yesterday that he is one of the best gyn-surgeons in the Bay Area. I was really stoked to hear that because one of the masses has stuck itself to the fundus of my uterus and another one is attached to my ovary. Dr. Wu threw around the word hysterectomy a few times on Monday when talking about the possibilities of what was to come. I would be absolutely devestated to have to go through that but, unlike the possibility of cancer, I'm willing to cross that bridge when we get to it.

I have my appointment on Monday afternoon, so we'll let you know what happens. Until then, I'm going to a prenatal appointment for a couple I'm acting as back-up doula for this afternoon, going to see live music with some girlfriends Friday night, and going to a "princess party" on Saturday for one of our favorite 3 year olds....I will be celebrating LIFE!

With the utmost gratitude and love......
Sarah, Dan, and Marek