Letting go to be reborn again.....

Hello All! This is Sarah writing again. I thought that I'd be on here more often but it just hasn't been the case. I have beautiful, but empty journals....I just haven't been moved to do much writing. I prefer a phone call instead, so please don't hesitate to call me....don't worry about waking me up, as I'm not sleeping during the day. I believe that all the phone calls to my mom about my condition are wearing her out...along with a certain 2 1/2 year old!!! If you could direct your inquiries directly to me, that would be much appreciated...Plus, I'd love to talk to you all myself. I'm very candid and honest about what I'm going through....I'm not afraid to tell you how much most of this sucks or to use you as a shoulder to cry on. I'll also be the first one to share with you how stoked I am to be feeling well the days I do!!!!

I have had to do a lot of letting go throughout these past two and half months. I am wise enough to know about how healing this can be...that I'm clearing space for the new, etc... However, there is a lot of grief that goes along with it. With grief there are tears....tears that are neither sad, mad, nor happy... I haven't been able to assign them an emotion as of yet...they just are. They are tears that I don't want anyone to take from me, as it would disturb their natural flow. I'm looking for people to merely witness them, honor them, bless them, and let them serve their purpose. I don't want to feel bad about having them, as I know it can make some uncomfortable. Being with someone and not trying to take their pain away is an incredible feat, being able to do this is the sign of a great healer. I know how strong I am, I'm not giving up, and I will make it through this! Don't ever doubt that, I don't! I whole heartedly believe that the most courageous individuals are the ones that show their vulnerabilities and their shadow sides freely. I'm not here to hide these parts of myself to anyone.

The treatments and procedures I'm enduring are difficult. I take them one day at a time, sometimes wishing that I wasn't going through it. The chemo makes me feel sick and just plain weird, it leaves my mouth full of sores, I feel nauseous, fatigued, and get horrible heartburn, it also tends to bring on a lot of the tears I was talking about. Most of the cancer is surrounding my heart...and I like to think the tears are caused by the cancer shrinking and leaving my body...it needs a way out somehow!

On Monday night, I had a small surgery to get a PortaCath put in. This will save my arms and veins from having to be poked anymore. I was nervous to have surgery again but am so thankful I did it, as it made getting chemo yesterday so much easier. The last time I had chemo, I had to have four IVs placed...one of the veins was so irritated from the chemo that it flared, and the IV had to be moved. I've been needing to take pain medication for it to be bearable...I can feel the vein from my wrist all the way up into my face....guess it can last weeks to months. Anyway, the surgery went well...I came home that night and felt like nothing had happened. However, I woke up at 4am writhing in pain. I'm on some new pain meds that seem to work much better...Yay!!! Today, it's feeling pretty darn manageable...a little sore, but that's all.

I'm still waiting to hear if I need to get the Neulasta shot this week. The hospital lost my blood on Monday night, so I needed to go in today to get poked one last time...I hope anyway. I would have been too sore for them to pull the blood from my port. Hopefully, next week my poor arms will get a break!! We'll keep you posted about the shot. Last week was absolutely heavenly without it!!

As many of you know, Dan and I were fortunate enough to be invited to get away for the weekend. At first we were going to take Marek with us, but ultimately decided to leave him at home with my mom. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU MOM!!!! (She has gone above and beyond in every way possible....doing only what a mother could do!) On Thursday morning, Dan and I headed out on our first road trip in a long time. I love road trips...I've taken many of them cross country to go to Phish shows and music festivals...I feel alive and free when on them. We drove all day and finally arrived in Palm Springs later that night. The desert has a much different energy than the ocean...the moment I stepped out of the car, I knew I was there to do some powerful work.

On Saturday, Dan, our friend Barbara, and I headed out to Joshua Tree National Park....with some clippers!! Yes, the day had finally come for me to let go of my hair...let go of my past. It has been falling out like crazy over the last month...I couldn't take it anymore! I wore a sparkly skirt, along with my very sparkly silver shoes. We took a gentle hike out to a spot known as the Vagina Vortex...this is a truly healing place...a place to give to the Mother what you don't need anymore, and a place to be reborn. We saged, gave offerings, prayers, and thanks to the Mother, walked a spiral labyrinth and performed sacred ceremony. Then I knelt down in the middle of the spiral and Dan shaved my head....well some of it anyway...our clippers ran out of juice before we could finish. That's cancer for ya, lots of bumps and uncertainty...lots of letting go!! (We have pictures of all of it that we'll post later...I not sure how to do that part!) It was freeing and extremely empowering. I love my bald head!! In fact, I've decided that I look too much like a cancer patient with hats and scarves on...I'm proudly walking around without any hair for all of the world to see! I have nothing to hide!!!!

I feel as though there is more to say, however, in my chemo haze, I have about hit my wall. This might be fragmented and I'm probably leaving some stuff out...chemo sort of has that effect on me. Maybe Dan can fill in the blank spots for you!!

I have so much gratitude for all of you! Barbara, thank you so much for the magical weekend...you were incredibly gracious and selfless. It meant the world to us. Mom, thanks again for being with Marek!! I know that he is an incredible handful right now. I look forward to you just being able to be his grandma again soon!! We love you so much!! Seems like I could spend all my days sending out thank yous...everyone has been incredibly generous with their time, thoughts, prayers, and resources. We could not make it through this without any of you!! We look forward to the day we are able to pay-it-forward!!

All of my love!!
Sarah