A note from Sarah

Hey Everyone!

I realize this is my first time writing on the blog...it seems long overdue!  The phone has been the easiest way for me to communicate thus far.  I start writing and the words just don't flow, whether it's on the blog or in one of my many beautiful journals.  And, now I have a tough act to follow.  My love, Dan, has been doing an amazing job with this so, I've left it to him...until today.

It's been one month to the date since we were sitting in Dr. Gurney's office hearing the words Lymphoma for the first time.  She was so kind, gentle, and compassionate that it makes me think of being in a similar place, with a similar gentle doctor, giving me a similar kind of life changing news...on March 1st, 18years ago tomorrow, my dad passed away while we were away on a special father-daughter ski trip.  However, this time, I wasn't a twelve year old child, sitting alone, six hours away from home, rather, I was looking into my  loving husband's eyes.I felt safe.  For that, I'm so thankful!!

As you've read, I've had a whirlwind of doctor's appointments and needles stuck in me.  The physical pain is uncomfortable but doesn't compare to a lot of the emotions I've experienced, mainly around my son.  I am a 30 year old mother with the most precious two and half year old that you've ever met...he's the light of my life.  He brings joy to everyone he meets and it's with a heavy heart that I have to witness him trying to wrap his head around what is happening with his mommy.  Naturally, there's been a different energy in our house....I had surgery on my neck, I lie on the couch and sleep a lot more, I can't pick him up as my vein is healing from my chemo infusion, I don't go to school as much with him, I seem to be going to some appointment everyday, we don't have the same weekly playdates, and most of all, because of my "yucky medicine" we had to wean.  I start to cry at the thought of our weaning.  Breastfeeding was something that was extremely important to both of us, allowing each of us to experience the ultimate act of love between a mother and her child.  I will never forget this sacred time we had together and find myself resenting the fact that it didn't end on our terms!  

I also find myself resenting that Marek has to feel any pain surrounding my cancer.  I think we all have things we went through as children that as parents that we don't want our children to have to go through...I never wanted Marek to have any pain surrounding a parent, as I did when my dad died.   I realize this is unrealistic but.........  Thanks to Gramma Lori, our wonderful friends, Erin and Cyrus, who take Marek in as their own,  all the wonderful moms, children, and teachers at his nursery school, his best friend, Zoey, and their family, and a wonderfully, generous soul who is donating her cranial sacral services I'm hoping that Marek's load will be lightened.  

As many worries and unknowns as there are, I feel as though I have to stay in the present moment.  I definitely don't want to go backward, and going forward is too daunting.  The thought that I may never have another baby, the mounting medical bills, the possibility of loosing my hair, the thought of new side effects from subsequent treatments, the fear of a different cancer popping up later, the reality that even when I'm finished with treatments I will be frequenting CT  and PET Scanners and many more doctor's offices, and that this will forever be a part of my life is just too much to reflect on on a regular basis.  It is in the present moment that I find any sort of peace and is where I prefer to stay.  It's amazing to me that in my old, daily life, mindfulness was something that was extremely difficult to do, now, it is my saving grace.

I realize this blog entry has been one of my many fears, however, rest assured, that I KNOW I will come out on the other end and the light will be brighter than I could ever have imagined.  I already see many glimpses of it.  I don't think that I will ever be able to live life as I did before, and that comes with many blessings.  I am able to let go of things in such a deep way, a way that not all will have the opportunity to do, and for that I'm extremely lucky.  

Thank you to all of you who have been praying for me, sending me healing vibes, bringing my family meals, calling and checking up me, sending me cards with words of love and encouragement, sending uplifting gifts, and generously donating money.  We could not do this without all of you!!!  I want to extend a special thanks to my dear friend and soul sister, Molly, for setting up this blog so that we can share our experience with you.  Molly, I love you!  I also want to thank my amazing family!!!  Mom, Marek's life wouldn't be the same without you here and I wouldn't have nearly the strength I do to go forward with each day.  Dan, you are my rock and your love for me has the ability to burn through all of this darkness and touch my heart in the most intense and healing way.  Sister, I don't know what I'd do without you!!  Thank you for really listening to me.  To all of my grandparents, who call everyday and are praying their hearts out for me, thank you!  Janice, I look forward to all of your many calls and can't wait to have you come out to help me for a couple of weeks...thank you!  Tom and Alice, I can't wait to see you in April!!  And, I can't thank you enough for raising Dan to be the wonderful human being that he is.  Deb and Howie, thank you helping us feel not utterly alone! I am filled with so much gratitude for everyone in my life....thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! 

I look forward to writing more in the future.

With Much Love!!

Sarah