Thursday, September 17, 2009
Finally.....
However, this time around, when I read the words "possible lymphadenopathy" on the PET scan report, there was NO way I could brush it off and stay grounded in the fact that it said "possible". I knew too much. The last thing anyone just finishing cancer treatment wants to hear is that there's possibly more cancer. It felt as though my heart fell to the ground and my stomach turned inside out. I was beyond devestated.
I looked into the back seat and saw my sweet, sweet little boy. More than anything, I didn't want him to have to go through any of this again. I am amazed at the strength and resiliency he has, but the last nine months have taken it's toll on him. It has been so great to see the sparkle in his eyes come back! He has also started breastfeeding again....that was his sign of mommy getting better. In fact, when I came home and told him that I was done with chemo, he reached out both of his hands, touched my breasts, smiled ear-to-ear, and said, "now I can have my boobies again!" I didn't know how I was going to tell him that we had to wean again. (For those of you wondering, I don't really have any milk left after not bfing for 6 months, but he doesn't care...he tells me they're a "little bit dry" and goes back to nursing.)
Most of all, I was really afraid of dying, and ultimately leaving Marek. Being someone that lost one of her parents as a child, this broke my heart into a million pieces. I didn't want Marek to grow up without his mommy. I realized there was a certain level of security in Hodgkin's (thanks to modern medicine, not many people actually die from the disease)...unfortunately, that doesn't exist in cancers of the pelvic region. I know that may seem like an extreme place to go but, as a mother, every cell in my body is programed to protect my baby (or preschooler!).
Needless to say, it was a really long weekend. We were really sad!!! Thank you so much for all of your support...your prayers, healing vibes, generosity, and sincere concern have carried us through these six hellish days. We really appreciate everyone holding the space for us. In the last nine months, I have felt a grace that I didn't know existed. I have always been a big believer in the energetic nature of the universe....to feel the power of prayer and intention put forth by so many people is nothing short of magical. It has allowed my heart to grow in ways I'm not sure would have happened otherwise. I am a better person for it.
So...what's next? Well, the masses in my pelvis are fairly large, so I will still be transfered to the gyn-oncologist. I learned from someone yesterday that he is one of the best gyn-surgeons in the Bay Area. I was really stoked to hear that because one of the masses has stuck itself to the fundus of my uterus and another one is attached to my ovary. Dr. Wu threw around the word hysterectomy a few times on Monday when talking about the possibilities of what was to come. I would be absolutely devestated to have to go through that but, unlike the possibility of cancer, I'm willing to cross that bridge when we get to it.
I have my appointment on Monday afternoon, so we'll let you know what happens. Until then, I'm going to a prenatal appointment for a couple I'm acting as back-up doula for this afternoon, going to see live music with some girlfriends Friday night, and going to a "princess party" on Saturday for one of our favorite 3 year olds....I will be celebrating LIFE!
With the utmost gratitude and love......
Sarah, Dan, and Marek
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Just Waiting....
This is Sarah writing...thank you so much for all of your support!!! It means so much to us. I know that we couldn't have gotten through this without it.
We still don't know a lot about what is going on. I left Dr. Wu's office feeling a little bit better than I did over the weekend (it was a LONG weekend!) He thought that the odds of me having ovarian or uterine cancer was very slim and that he doesn't suspect a recurrence of lymphoma. That was the news I was hoping for...it has allowed me to sleep better at night. It has left us all wondering what the heck is going on...even Dr. Wu!
I'm drinking what feels like to be gallons of barium right now...yuck!...in preparation for a pelvic CT scan this morning. On Monday, I'll be meeting my new gyn-oncologist. We'll let you know what comes of that consult sometime early next week.
This has been an eerie place to be in again, and has taken a few days to get used to. I'm hoping and praying for the best! As always, thank you so much for your sincere concern!!
Lots of love and appreciation!
Sarah, Dan, and Marek
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Aftermath
Saturday, August 8, 2009
The Long and Winding Road
The tests were quick and fairly painless, and our answers came quickly. On a Friday Dr. Wu left us a message which in short told us that chemo was off for now, and we'll talk more at our appointment on Monday. That was a long weekend, filled with speculation. We had seen the results of the scans and now knew that there was decreased lung capacity, but no permanent damage caused by the Bleomycin. This news was great, but we weren't quite sure where it left us. Was chemo over for good or just postponed further? In our minds chemo was over. It finished with a an earth-shattering bang, painful and tear ridden.
On Monday we found that Dr. Wu saw the situation in a similar light. If the cancer comes back, it can be treated again, but the lung damage would be irreparable. Sarah is only 30, young and looking forward to a healthy and active life. It's hard to achieve either of those goals without your lungs. Suddenly, and rather unceremoniously, we were done with chemo.
This was followed by three weeks of recovery time. No needles and no doctors, it was the closest to normal we've been in a long time. I would have liked to have posted all of this earlier, but that last six months have been so draining for us, and for everyone around us, I couldn't bring myself to type a word.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Living With Cancer
This family is amazing. This family is strong. This family is struggling. This family will persevere.
I arrived Thursday on a non-chemo week. I walked off the plane and was greeted by my best friend, bald and smiling. I knew she would be bald but seeing it in person still took me aback. Albeit some of the light in her eyes had dimmed, staring back at me was my friend of almost 12 years. Her smile and hug were the same but her energy was different, not bad, just different. During the duration of my stay I learned how living with cancer has altered my friend.
On Friday we went to Stanford for Sarah to have her PET scan. While Sarah went radioactive, Dan and I had the chance to walk around Palo Alto and chat. Dan Fulop is the most wonderful, loving and courageous husband I have ever met. He has endured this journey with grace and patience. He is a wonderful provider and caregiver. As a father he is patient, loving and Marek’s hero. But his world is dictated by cancer, and it is exhausting.
The results of the PET scan came back clear, the cancer is loosing! However there is potentially a teratoma tumor by Sarah’s ovary. Having the tumor would mean that Sarah would need yet another surgery after the chemo and radiation. SERIOUSLY how much more can my friend be asked to endure at the moment?
On Saturday we spent the day enjoying California and each other. Sunday Sarah and I spent the day at the Spa (thank you Dan for the mother’s day gift). I could not have asked for a more precious day. We relaxed and enjoyed the wonderful sunshine. We talked about all that is going on and I was able to hear in person just how very hard this experience has been on the whole family.
Monday we attended Marek’s preschool graduation. As wonderful as the day was, the knowledge that chemo was less that 24 hours away was palpable. Dan and Sarah filled me in on what to expect both at chemo and the days to follow.
Tuesday - chemo day. I sat with Sarah as the chemo entered the port in her chest and I saw first hand why the light in her eyes had dimmed. For three hours every two weeks poison is pumped into her veins. This day was her 9th time enduring the steroids that make her want to jump out of her skin, but are necessary to help stave off the nausea. This was the 9th time she had to have three different drugs designed to kill everything in her body forced in through a catheter in her chest. This was the 9th time she had to sit still knowing the pain and exhaustion that would follow for the next couple days.
She still has 3 more to go.
We left chemo and headed home. Sarah was beyond exhausted. We had some lunch and she fell asleep in the couch. She spent the remainder of the day in and out of consciousness. Marek and I walked to the market and down to the beach.
As we walked he quietly contemplated what was going on. Every once in a while he would state “mommy doesn’t feel good” and each time my response would be the same, “no honey she doesn’t”. As a two year Marek is very smart. He is a problem solver, a linear thinker. He loves puzzles and can put together a 24 piece puzzle by himself. He likes to line up his toys in a straight line. He tries very hard to understand what is going on with is mom.
But he is still a two year old and when he is tired all he desires is “a baba, a boobie, a blanket and a rock-a-bye, all those stuff”. On chemo days Sarah cannot give him a rock-a-bye because she cannot sit up. As Marek began to melt down and beg for "all those stuff" I had to sit back helpless and watch this poor little boy sob as he grappled with wanting the rock-a-bye and not be able to have it. I had to watch his mother agonize over not being able to give him what he needs.
Wednesday morning I woke up and went upstairs to find Sarah and Dan getting ready to go into the clinic to get the dreaded shot. The shot that makes every joint in her body hurt as her bone marrow is forced into producing new blood cells. Upon their return Sarah sat on the couch and tears came to her eyes. I sat next to her, held her and cried along with her. Our friendship has always been one where if one of us is crying the other cannot help but cry along. For the past few months Sarah and I have cried on the phone more times that I can remember. It has been torture to be so far away from each other during this process. It felt beyond amazing to be able to sit and hold her as we cried.
Dan stayed home from work to care for Sarah and I took Marek to the Aquarium, or as he says “the baquarium”.
This day trip was wonderful for all of us. Sarah and Dan had the time to just be together and Marek and I had the chance to have some time alone. Sarah and I decided when she was pregnant that Marek would call me “ciotka Molly” (pronounced chuch-cha) which is polish for aunt Molly. There is nothing sweeter in this world than to have a two-year-old holding your hand and look up at you to say “we having Marek and ciotka Molly time”.
Thursday came and Sarah began to return to her self. Still groggy, but able to keep her eyes open for longer periods of time. Mostly we spent time in the same room as each other enjoying the close proximity. Friday we were able to go the resort for lunch, enjoy the weather and have dinner with a friend.
On Saturday morning before I left we walked the beach and talked about the future. Once this chapter is over, Sarah will continue to have scans every 3 months and then every six months for the next two years. Once two years has passed she will have scans once a year.
The chemo itself makes her more susceptible to leukemia and other types of cancers. As we talk about the future we acknowledge that Sarah will always be living with cancer. This fact is what has truly changed my friend, but in my opinion it has only made her stronger, more grounded and if possible, more loving.
Sarah, Dan and Marek, I love you more than words can express. I am honored to have spent this time with you.
Love
Molly
Monday, May 4, 2009
Benefits and Blood Tests
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Letting go to be reborn again.....
I have had to do a lot of letting go throughout these past two and half months. I am wise enough to know about how healing this can be...that I'm clearing space for the new, etc... However, there is a lot of grief that goes along with it. With grief there are tears....tears that are neither sad, mad, nor happy... I haven't been able to assign them an emotion as of yet...they just are. They are tears that I don't want anyone to take from me, as it would disturb their natural flow. I'm looking for people to merely witness them, honor them, bless them, and let them serve their purpose. I don't want to feel bad about having them, as I know it can make some uncomfortable. Being with someone and not trying to take their pain away is an incredible feat, being able to do this is the sign of a great healer. I know how strong I am, I'm not giving up, and I will make it through this! Don't ever doubt that, I don't! I whole heartedly believe that the most courageous individuals are the ones that show their vulnerabilities and their shadow sides freely. I'm not here to hide these parts of myself to anyone.
The treatments and procedures I'm enduring are difficult. I take them one day at a time, sometimes wishing that I wasn't going through it. The chemo makes me feel sick and just plain weird, it leaves my mouth full of sores, I feel nauseous, fatigued, and get horrible heartburn, it also tends to bring on a lot of the tears I was talking about. Most of the cancer is surrounding my heart...and I like to think the tears are caused by the cancer shrinking and leaving my body...it needs a way out somehow!
On Monday night, I had a small surgery to get a PortaCath put in. This will save my arms and veins from having to be poked anymore. I was nervous to have surgery again but am so thankful I did it, as it made getting chemo yesterday so much easier. The last time I had chemo, I had to have four IVs placed...one of the veins was so irritated from the chemo that it flared, and the IV had to be moved. I've been needing to take pain medication for it to be bearable...I can feel the vein from my wrist all the way up into my face....guess it can last weeks to months. Anyway, the surgery went well...I came home that night and felt like nothing had happened. However, I woke up at 4am writhing in pain. I'm on some new pain meds that seem to work much better...Yay!!! Today, it's feeling pretty darn manageable...a little sore, but that's all.
I'm still waiting to hear if I need to get the Neulasta shot this week. The hospital lost my blood on Monday night, so I needed to go in today to get poked one last time...I hope anyway. I would have been too sore for them to pull the blood from my port. Hopefully, next week my poor arms will get a break!! We'll keep you posted about the shot. Last week was absolutely heavenly without it!!
As many of you know, Dan and I were fortunate enough to be invited to get away for the weekend. At first we were going to take Marek with us, but ultimately decided to leave him at home with my mom. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU MOM!!!! (She has gone above and beyond in every way possible....doing only what a mother could do!) On Thursday morning, Dan and I headed out on our first road trip in a long time. I love road trips...I've taken many of them cross country to go to Phish shows and music festivals...I feel alive and free when on them. We drove all day and finally arrived in Palm Springs later that night. The desert has a much different energy than the ocean...the moment I stepped out of the car, I knew I was there to do some powerful work.
On Saturday, Dan, our friend Barbara, and I headed out to Joshua Tree National Park....with some clippers!! Yes, the day had finally come for me to let go of my hair...let go of my past. It has been falling out like crazy over the last month...I couldn't take it anymore! I wore a sparkly skirt, along with my very sparkly silver shoes. We took a gentle hike out to a spot known as the Vagina Vortex...this is a truly healing place...a place to give to the Mother what you don't need anymore, and a place to be reborn. We saged, gave offerings, prayers, and thanks to the Mother, walked a spiral labyrinth and performed sacred ceremony. Then I knelt down in the middle of the spiral and Dan shaved my head....well some of it anyway...our clippers ran out of juice before we could finish. That's cancer for ya, lots of bumps and uncertainty...lots of letting go!! (We have pictures of all of it that we'll post later...I not sure how to do that part!) It was freeing and extremely empowering. I love my bald head!! In fact, I've decided that I look too much like a cancer patient with hats and scarves on...I'm proudly walking around without any hair for all of the world to see! I have nothing to hide!!!!
I feel as though there is more to say, however, in my chemo haze, I have about hit my wall. This might be fragmented and I'm probably leaving some stuff out...chemo sort of has that effect on me. Maybe Dan can fill in the blank spots for you!!
I have so much gratitude for all of you! Barbara, thank you so much for the magical weekend...you were incredibly gracious and selfless. It meant the world to us. Mom, thanks again for being with Marek!! I know that he is an incredible handful right now. I look forward to you just being able to be his grandma again soon!! We love you so much!! Seems like I could spend all my days sending out thank yous...everyone has been incredibly generous with their time, thoughts, prayers, and resources. We could not make it through this without any of you!! We look forward to the day we are able to pay-it-forward!!
All of my love!!
Sarah
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
When it rains it pours
Yesterday was another milestone for us. Sarah had her fourth chemo treatment, which means she's a third of the way through. This was both exciting and daunting all at the same time. It is nice to know that we have traveled a significant distance, but the road ahead is long and full of uncertainty. Let me back up for a moment and get you all up to speed.
The last treatment was rough. Sarah was dealing with the increasing pain of the $$$ shot, along with a host of new side effects. First it was the horrible taste left in her mouth by the treatment. This sounds minor, but living with it every minute of the day is excruciating. I think candy turned out to be the best remedy in the end. Once that let up, the sores came. Sarah's mouth was full of sores which made it a serious chore for her to eat, and even drink water. The mouth is full of fast dividing cells, which are the cells targeted by the chemo.
Another place we find fast dividing cells is in our hair follicles. This week Sarah's hair began to fall out. She had it cut shorter to ease the transition, and to curb the exodus that had begun. The doctor predicted that this would get worse over the next couple of weeks. This will be one of the hardest parts for me, and I'm guessing for others as well. Right now, Sarah does not look sick. She looks tired, and perhaps not quite herself, but not sick. Not Cancer. We all recognize the bald head as a sign of a cancer patient. It is beaten into our conciousness. Cancer is everywhere. It's in print and on television, surrounding us in our daily lives. Until now I have been able to filter it out with little effort, but that is no longer an option for me. I now must face the images, and realize what they represent. The hair loss is a sign that the fast dividing cells are dying, which means that the cancer is dying as well, and in this I can take solace.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
The Straight Story
Hi Everybody,
It has been a while since I've written, so I'm planning to do a couple of entries over the next few days. I'd like to start with a thank you, followed by an update.
First of all I'd like to thank Sarah and Rebecca for there wonderful entries. Everyone has been waiting to hear from Sarah, and they could not have received a more heartfelt and honest address. It all has so much more gravity when the words come from Sarah herself.
My second tip of the hat goes out to Becca. It was a joy having her here with us, and our only regret is that the time went by so fast. Her eloquence on the blog is only matched by the depth of her compassion. Thanks a million Rebecca!
My third thank you goes out to Sarah's Mom Lori, who has given us the closest thing to normalcy that we could possibly achieve in a situation as abnormal as this one. She has worked tirelessly to keep our son Marek as happy and healthy as possible, and for that we will be forever in her debt.
Last, but certainly not least, I'd like to thank all of you who have donated money thus far. It has been our saving grace in a time of true uncertainty. Words cannot display the gratitude we feel towards all of you.
That said, let's get on with the update.
Life has been hard. Not in the ways we we're used to, but in a whole new capacity. The off weeks that we were so thankful for have become less and less of a relief since the Neulasta shots began. These are the insanely expensive shots that Sarah must receive every other week to keep her white blood cell count high enough to receive each subsequent chemo treatment. They are a gift, and a curse. Each shot allows her to move forward in her treatment, but this comes at a price.
The shots cause muscle and joint pain, which lead to more pills to manage the pain. The cycle seems never ending, and the off week has all but disappeared. The low white blood cell count has also brought on a temporary quarantine. Sarah's immune system is compromised, so she can no longer be in public places. The risk of her catching something is too great.
I apologize for painting a dismal picture, but that has been reality for the last couple of weeks. A series of hills and valleys, highs and lows. The deeper we drop, the harder it is to climb. The positive side of this, is the darker it gets at the bottom, the better the view gets from the top. I've spoken of the relative nature of our situation before, and it is reaffirmed with every step we take.
Fortunately I get to end this entry on a positive note. This weeks trip to the Oncologist revealed that Sarah's white blood cell count is up. She can go back out into the world, and if everything goes well, she may not need the shot next time around. The view from the top has changed again.
That's all for now.
Thanks for all the love and support,
Dan
Saturday, March 7, 2009
A Note From Rebecca
I feel honored and privileged to be writing in this blog, using the same chair, same computer where Dan and Sarah have written already, sharing the story of what has become their new life, their new way of moving through this crazy world, that unfortunately came out of nowhere and with no directions.
I am excited to share my side of the story, my personal account as to what it is like seeing my sister, my best friend, go through this process called cancer. Seeing her for the first time on Tuesday was bittersweet. Her physical body looked exhausted and in a lot of pain. It looked like she had been losing weight, a little pale in the face and a sadness in her eyes that this day, Tuesday, was one of the "hard" days. I knew she was feeling the effects of the shot, as every tiny movement she made seemed to send slicing pain through every inch of her body. I could feel the lump of tears gather in my throat when I saw her. A fiery weakness came over me and I wanted to throw up my hands and scream into the sky that it's not fair, that this isn't supposed to be her life, this isn't supposed to be our life. But it is her life, our life, and this week has taught me many valuable lessons as to what it actually means to be alive.
When we got home from the airport, Sarah needed to rest. She was in so much pain, I told her to lie on the floor and I would start doing some bodywork on her. I stretched her legs, and started doing Tui Na on her back, trying to move some of the stagnation that had become stuck in her joints. It felt so good to be physically touching her, giving of myself whatever healing energy I could to make her feel somewhat more comfortable. At one point, she began to cry a little. She said to me she felt like apologizing, for being like this, for being in the state she was in. I could see why she would want to say that. Most people with hearts like hers want the last thing to be someone else hurting because of their pain. I see this in her urgent will to make sure Marek gets taken care of through this, that he experiences as little pain as possible.
I immediately reassured her that I love her just as much as a sister with cancer, vs. one with no cancer. Being in a place of total vulnerability and pain and having someone to love us just the same is to me, one of the greatest gifts. I see that my sister has not one, but many of those in her life. It is one of the few things that brings me peace when I think about her journey.
Wednesday was a "better" day. She had taken advantage of the pain medication given to her, and was finally able to get some relief for the excruciating pain that had been occupying her entire world. We went on a walk that day. A long walk in fact. A walk that, for that day, changed my consciousness about life. We walked through a gated community with incredible views of the ocean and surrounding forests of Santa Cruz. The temperature was in the 60's and the clouds were scattered over blue skies . It was supposed to rain the whole week I was here but instead we had the opposite. Sarah said the walking really helps with her sore joints and it feels good for her to get out of the house and move her body. As we walked to the top of one of the big hills, I remember looking over at my sister, my mother, and with eyes bright, mouths open, we were all laughing. One of us would say something and it would continue the laughing, the kind that you feel in your belly. For that short second, a tiny slice of time, all of the stress of the last months seemed to be suspended. She wasn't in pain, she wasn't getting chemo, she didn't have cancer. I soaked it in, letting it flood my memory so I could go back to it in the future. After we stopped laughing I thought to myself, wow, what an awakening lesson. Isn't this how life should be, just a bunch of moments we should be grateful to have? Easier said than done right? I know, it's a hard mind frame to stay in. But for that walk, my life consisted only of those moments. Laughing outside on a walk with people I love.
After that walk, Sarah and I have been on that same 2 hour walk every morning since. It helps her a lot with the stiffness and pain, and it's a much needed release for my sluggish Chicago winter body that hasn't seen much exercising in the last few months. We talk about the journey she is on, the immense amount of strength she is going to need to get through the next 10 chemo treatments, the next 9 shots and the weeks of radiation to follow. We talk about how crazy it is that this is real, that this is actually a part of our history now, I am disappointed I can't go to chemo with her on Tuesday, I would like to know what she goes through during that process. But after being out here a week, I have gotten a pretty good grasp on the reality that is not just her life but Dan's life as well, along with my mother's for the time she is out here. It's not easy to think positive all the time and to smile and say "well at least it's a treatable cancer." It's hard for me to do that sometimes. It's hard find comfort in the "At least its not..." scenario because I can't go to any other scenario that the one she is in and the one she is in involves 8 months of chemo and radiation and shots of Neulasta that cause severe muscle and bone pain. But maybe that is just my way of grieving at this time. If anyone has a knowing she has the spirit and drive to get through this it's me, but it doesn't always take away the "real life" sadness I feel as I watch my sister and her family go through this.
I have been doing various types of bodywork on her, including myofascial release, deep tissue massage and tonight we are going to do a craniosacral session. She has been experiencing a throbbing pain in her left arm that is most likely due to the chemo infusions as well as the injection site for the Neulasta shot.
I know she is bummed that she can't go out into public right now because of her low white blood count and we talked about it today on our walk about how ironic it is that she is only allowed to be in her home or in nature. Frustrating for sure, but interesting that her healing is forced to take place where most of us should spend most of our time anyway. At home with our family and out in nature. Being under that same roof with my family for a week as well as being out in nature every single day is something that hasn't happened in years. What a nice reminder as to what is truly important.
I want to thank all of you who read this blog for your continued support for in helping my sister and her family through this incredibly challenging time. I know some of you have been trying to reach me through this process and I apologize for not being the easiest to get a hold of. My schedule with school and work is a little random, but if you'd like to reach me my email is rebecca.furlano@gmail.com and my cell # is 920-412-0377.
It will be sad to leave tomorrow, but this week has been very healing, sad at times, but healing. I will miss them with all of my heart. I think I am going to start going for walks once back in Chicago. For me, and my sister.